Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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