Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
