people are starting to question the shark bite story
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
