i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
NoShamevember. You game?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
