I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
