In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
