I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
