After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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