we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
