It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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