Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
