3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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