Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
