that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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