Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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