It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
