Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
