Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
