no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
