If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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