it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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