No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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