My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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