Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How external is "for external use only"?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
