Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
