so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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