My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Boobs are out for the taking
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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