Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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