I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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