i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
