Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She's JV to your varsity
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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