When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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