At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
