I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
