no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
