so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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