their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
