Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
