Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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