the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize