I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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