I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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