Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
