Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
