Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think your dad took our porno
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
