I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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