I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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