He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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