I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
