The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
