i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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