I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just gargled with NyQuil
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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