I puked a lego.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize