I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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